Flower Nazis--Really?

So we got notification from the cemetery that there are "new regulations" regarding flowers and decorations at Crown Hill. They are sending me a brochure regarding the details but they did tell me that you can only place flowers, in an approved vase, for special occasions such as birthdays and holidays. To do this you have to stop at the cememtery office and record the special occasion with them, then they will give you a pink tag which allows the flowers to remain for a week....really? Can the special occasion be that I miss my sweet little Sophie and was thinking about her and wanted to take some flowers? What if my parents are in town and want to go by the cemetery. Now I realize we can go there and not take anything, BUT it is a part of the process. There are families that have pinwheels, toys, stuffies, flowers, etc....it doesn't look tacky to me, it looks like families are grieving and honoring and remembering their loved ones...this is a cemetery, not a covenant controlled community. I think a lot of people might have made a different choice about where to inter their loved ones had they known that even placing flowers is limited. I used to go every Friday, it is important for me that her grave not be abandoned, that people who walk by there know she is loved and remembered...

Mike's theory is not to worry about it, to do what I want to do because what are they really going to do? I doubt they would evict Sophie...but even if they did, we'd just bring her ashes home. So that is what I am going to do. On Monday it will be two years since she died---I'm going to cover her headstone in flowers...ha!

Too Good to be True

So I had a bit of an ephiany today. In wondering why it has been so hard to do the things we need to do to move foward--get a new kitchen in the rental condo, exercise, set and keep goals--it occured to me that maybe subconsciously we don't want to move forward. Not for the obvious reason of leaving Sophia behind, but more because if life gets really good again something bad will happen. You know when Sophie was born, I had two healthy children, a great husband, house, job, Rachel.. I was dumbfounded because I never thought my life would be that good...i said as much to Mike all the time...like things were so good that I was worried something bad would have to happen to cancel it out. Of course I was thinking something more like me getting cancer or a tree falling through the roof. Anyway, I finally convinced myself that I was generally a good person and really deserved everything I had. Then Bam---it all was shattered. And that is why I think I am afraid to move forward....

Waiting for Marble

So here it is almost 1 am and I can't sleep. I haven't written in forever, that is usually a good sign...things have been busy but going well for me. Annie is going through another period, crying for missing Sophie every single day. Sometimes I wonder if she is just so conditioned to miss Sophie everytime she gets sad--I know that happens to me sometimes, I get sad or mad about something, anything, and the next thing you know I am thinking about Soph. I don't know what to do for her. The grief people told us that every stage of maturity would be hard for Annie as she understood new things about death. She seems to be feeling really cheated--today she yelled at me for not having a new baby....arrggghhh.
Anyway, as it is getting closer to spring I am hoping that the owl (marble) might come back....I really felt that was some sort of sign.
Sorry for the boring post--figured I'd better write something...

Happy Birthday Little Angel

Dear Sophie:
Yesterday would have been your 3rd birthday. It is so hard for me to imagine what you might have looked like so grown up. Everyone said you looked like Suri Cruise when you were a baby and when I see pictures of her now, I wonder.....I'm sure you would be much cuter since Daddy and I are so much better looking than Tom and Katie!!! I do know that you would be so big..talking in full sentences, sleeping in a big girl bed, potty trained, playing with little friends....I really wish I could see you today.
Daddy, Rachel, Annie and I celebrated your birthday on Sunday at the cemetary with cupcakes and balloons...did you catch the balloons like Daddy hoped you would?
Time goes by sweet darling, and I still miss you every single day. Sometimes I worry that I am not sad enough anymore...I have to believe that you would want us to be happy, to celebrate you and honor your life by living ours to the fullest. We are trying.
I hope that you continue to visit Annie, and while you're at it creep across the hall and snuggle with Mom and Dad. I'd give anything to hold you again.
Happy Birthday tiny boo
Love,
Mommy

To EMC

I know what you are going through right now, your grief is so fresh, it must seems sureal. Please email me when you feel like talking...it is gkate1@comcast.net

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, you must be so stunned. I am thinking of you and your family today, please let me know if I can help.
Grace