It's Not All About Us

Today's post is dedicated to someone else's tragedy...a family of children who are suffering in an unimaginable way....A family that I don't know personally but can't stop thinking about. Last week one of my sister's employees did not show up for work. Her son, who also works at the pharmacy, did not show up either...this was strange and everyone was worried. In the end, it turned out that Blia, the Mom, had been killed early that morning in a house fire along with her husband. Thankfully none of the kids, who range in age from 9 to 20, were at home at the time. The fire is currently classified as suspicious and it is thought to be a murder/suicide, but that is still under investigation.

These kids have not only lost both their parents, but also everything they owned in this world, clothes, money, identifying documents, books, toys, bedding...everything is gone. In addition to this tragedy, these kids lost a sibling earlier this year to suicide....it has to be almost too much to bear.

I know I don't have any direct connection to these kids, but I want so badly to do something. I am sure they are overwhelmed right now, just sorting out the details, so there probably is nothing that I can do directly. Instead, I've decided to do everything I can to get the word out that these kids are suffering and they need help.

A fund has been established to collect money for the family's expenses. Please contribute if you can, if not, please pass the information along to someone who might....if you go to church, please ask your church members to pray for these children, to help these kids. Also, if you know of any resources for fire victims that would be helpful too.....

To contribute you can send a check made out to:
Denver Water Credit Union
The Lee Family Memorial Fund
PO Box 40035
Denver CO, 80204

I know you all to be amazing and generous and I beg you to help support this family through this crisis!

Sweet Sophie Blue Eyes

Sophia's amazing blue eyes, but they were amazing, a mile wide and blue as the Mediterranian off the Greek Islands. Mike had a birthday party for me on Friday (40--oh no) and it was great, I had a wonderful time and really enjoyed myself--until the end when I just got really sad and regaled the last few guests with the tale of the death of Sophie--way to leave everyone in a depression, but you know..I really didn't get to talk to too many people about it, what happened, how I felt, etc...so I think it was therapeutic to say everything out loud...but I have been feeling blue ever since. And I told Mike, the really hard part is that I don't want to feel un-blue or better or whatever you call it right now, I just want to crawl into bed with my husband and kids and stay there under the down comforters and not have to deal with all this crap we call life. I don't know, everything just seems so insignificant to me right now. Which I know is bad, I have an amazing family and spectacular friends and am so blessed...some of the other families in our class talk about how they feel like some of their family and friends think they should be over the loss of their children by now or at least shouldn't be talking about it, we don't have that so I am really glad about that. It's just that Soph is gone and she is not coming back, and I am thinking about her, still every day, but not as much as I was, and there is distance growing daily between when we lost her and now (master of the obvious, I know) but it sucks...I can't remember everything about her, I don't have 16 months worth of memories, I just have snapshots, this trip to the zoo, her jumping, holding her, rocking, her, but I don't remember every single little thing.

This morning I put Annie's winter jacket on for the first time (snow yesterday) and the second I got it on her she burst into tears and started crying "I want my baby sister, I miss my baby sister" I'm not sure why and she couldn't verbalize it, but I think it is probably related to one of the pictures we have, which is of Sophie in that jacket, which was 2x too big for her....I'll post it here later, along with a great pic of her eyes.....

I'm going to post her little video on You Tube with a link as well......thanks for all your love and support...I wouldn't survive without you.

You're not in Kansas Anymore!!!

Little by little things are getting better...I went to a party last week and was actually able to tell new people about losing Sophie without totally losing it...I worry about being "the mourning mom" though and that people might think it is an inappropriate thing to talk about... I am learning to be more private with my grief, but I also need to talk about Sophie, I can't pretend she didn't exist, that I didn't just lose her a mere 5 months ago...I told Mike I'm scared about the time when it will be longer that we haven't had her than we did have her (about a year from now). It seems crazy, it's all crazy this new "surreality" as we like to call it.

Mike and I started attending a bereavement support group at Children's Hospital this week. It meets Monday nights. It was very emotional...I started crying when we sat down--before anyone had spoken a word. I was the only one crying for a long time, and that scared me...the group is for parents who have lost a child in the last 18 months, and I know things get better with time, but I had a hard time believing that things got that much better..in time everyone cried as we shared our stories. I guess it is shitty to say that it made me feel better, but it did. It was hard to listen to everyone's story....horrible things are happening to our babies, it is hard to make sense of. The facilitator told us to be sure not to take the burden of anyone else's grief home....Right...no problem...of course I could hear the story of the parents whose little baby got sick and was in the hospital for 4 months--getting sicker and sicker and finally dying and they still don't know what happened--and not cry for them when I cry for me. Of course I can hear the story of the Mom who has lost not 1, not 2, but three beautiful children in the past 3 years and not have my heart break for her...We may come out of this stronger by all being together, but we will be weaker at times knowing the pain and sadness we all bring to the room. I think the group will be a positive experience for Mike and I, but it scares me too...next week we "tell the story of our children" That will be heartbreaking I am sure.

Something that struck me so deep was the parents that do not have answers about what happened to their children. That the doctors would ever stop searching for happened. How can a parent go forward not knowing? Not being able to make the tiniest bit of sense out of such a devesating event? One parent begged her doctor for additional tests, but eventually the doctors just gave up. It all goes back to what the doctors are taught in medical school ---When you are on the prairie and you hear hoofs, don't look for zebras, look for horses--- I can't tell you how many doctors we have heard this from. I think what some doctors have lost sight of may be that they aren't always on the prairie. I mean when you have a baby in the hospital and that baby is rapidly deteriorating....are you really on the prairie in Kansas? Or might you just be on the savannah in Kenya????????

We are learning a lot about the search for zebras...doctors seem to poo-poo pushy parents that have researched on the internet, instinctively feel there is something more seriously wrong with their child, or push for more tests. I have heard so many tales in the past 5 months of parents who have provided their children's doctors the diagnosis--sometimes of a very serious condition. Mike's gut told him Sophie's breathing was related to the hemi-vertabrae and that the hemi-vertabrae and associated scoliosis were more serious--but evolution and education have taught us not to listen to our instinct--that the experts must know it all. We have found a chart in a medical textbook that links hemivertabrae and asplenia....how about that? We parents MUST advocate, push and trust our instinct because our beloved doctors are out wandering around the prairie admiring the horses!!!!! (Speaking of which, I'll get off my high one now!) I don't think doctors have any bad intentions, this is what they are being taught in school.....anyway, I'll save it for another day. BTW--I am going to try allowing anyone to post comments so you don't have to register......