Sweet Sophie Blue Eyes

Sophia's amazing blue eyes, but they were amazing, a mile wide and blue as the Mediterranian off the Greek Islands. Mike had a birthday party for me on Friday (40--oh no) and it was great, I had a wonderful time and really enjoyed myself--until the end when I just got really sad and regaled the last few guests with the tale of the death of Sophie--way to leave everyone in a depression, but you know..I really didn't get to talk to too many people about it, what happened, how I felt, etc...so I think it was therapeutic to say everything out loud...but I have been feeling blue ever since. And I told Mike, the really hard part is that I don't want to feel un-blue or better or whatever you call it right now, I just want to crawl into bed with my husband and kids and stay there under the down comforters and not have to deal with all this crap we call life. I don't know, everything just seems so insignificant to me right now. Which I know is bad, I have an amazing family and spectacular friends and am so blessed...some of the other families in our class talk about how they feel like some of their family and friends think they should be over the loss of their children by now or at least shouldn't be talking about it, we don't have that so I am really glad about that. It's just that Soph is gone and she is not coming back, and I am thinking about her, still every day, but not as much as I was, and there is distance growing daily between when we lost her and now (master of the obvious, I know) but it sucks...I can't remember everything about her, I don't have 16 months worth of memories, I just have snapshots, this trip to the zoo, her jumping, holding her, rocking, her, but I don't remember every single little thing.

This morning I put Annie's winter jacket on for the first time (snow yesterday) and the second I got it on her she burst into tears and started crying "I want my baby sister, I miss my baby sister" I'm not sure why and she couldn't verbalize it, but I think it is probably related to one of the pictures we have, which is of Sophie in that jacket, which was 2x too big for her....I'll post it here later, along with a great pic of her eyes.....

I'm going to post her little video on You Tube with a link as well......thanks for all your love and support...I wouldn't survive without you.