Paranoia May Destroy You

Or at least cause your kid to have to spend thousands on therapy as an adult....Generally the fear that Annie will die randomly in the middle of the night has been contained, but I still do have moments. This afternoon we were driving in the car, just Annie and me and she fell asleep hard, for a long time. After a while I tried waking her up and I couldn't...I was reaching back and grabbing her leg, calling her name and she wouldn't wake up. I pulled the car over on the shoulder, right there on I-25, turned around and shook her and she didn't move---I screamed really loud and then she woke up. That can't be good for her, but she isn't a deep car sleeper and I was so scared. If there is an area that I could use help with this is it. I used to generally have faith that if my kids went to sleep they would wake up...now I don't and I need to get it back. All our lives are going to suck if I constantly worry....Annie might have some sleep disorder as an adult because she has been conditioned by me....I don't want that to happen.

Everytime I read something about a parent that has lost more than one child I get so panicky....OK, I'm going to say it...it is a possibility, right?..it could happen to any one of us. But, I can't live my life in fear that I am going to lose one of the other kids. So, if anyone has any advice on how I might deal with this I would love to hear it. I'm not paralyzed, but I sure would like for the thought to cross my mind less often.

The holidays are making me anxious again...I may have to get reacquainted with my friend Ambien. I have pondered why the holidays would be any harder than any other day that I don't have Sophie in my life...the all suck. But I have concluded that gatherings of people really highlight her absence, gift buying brings to mind the things Sophie won't open this year, the mall reminds that she won't get to sit on Santa's lap (although if last year was any indicator she might not have done that anyway), even the damn snow reminds me that she doesn't get to play in it....Every year I get the girls Christmas PJ's and they open and wear them Christmas Eve...I was shopping for those yesterday and just melted down....no cute cuddly PJ's for Soph-Soph....I honestly don't know how I am going to make it through this....the amazing people in my life I guess....although it is tough to keep leaning on all of you, and I know I should be standing on my own more.....

On another note, my dear friend Jennifer is having surgery on Tuesday...for those of you who are the praying type, please include her this week. She's very scared, but she is a tough, brave, chick and I know she will be o.k.

On the brighter side, we do have a decorated tree up in the house and I have bought exactly one present, so progress is being made..... take a look at the cute little video of Sophie's 1st time in the big bathtub!