Happy Halloween

Another Halloween gone by---much, much better this year. I didn't get sad at the daycare party or trick or treat street. Tonight when I was taking Annie around begging for candy I even dressed up (vampire)...it was fun. I did feel a little nostalgic when I saw families going around---you know all the sibling groups--Annie was great though (Evil Princess). I think next year I'll make sure we group up with friends to go......I was thinking it is probably a good thing we decided on cremation--I'm not sure I could stand all the skeleton and rotting corpse decorations otherwise.

I hope to get to the cemetary tomorrow--I like the idea of Dia de los Muertos the Mexican holiday where they celebrate the life of loved ones who have died. I am going to see if I can find a sugar skull at a mexican grocery...you are also supposed to bring the foods the person loved as a gift. I'm not sure it is allowed--leaving food at the cemetary...but really, what are they going to do--kick us out?

Suprise visits

This is such a cool story---the other morning, Sunday, Annie crawled into bed with us and told us that she had seen Sophie the previous night. I said "You dreamt about her?" and she said, nope, she saw her...which of course begged the question, "Where?" Annie says "In my bed, she was snuggled up next to me, then I said "night night" and she said "night night" and she flew away" Apparently her wings are gray and white. The next morning--same thing..."Sophie visited me again, she stayed longer this time, but then she said she needed to go help some other kids" I don't know if it is a dream or her imagination or for real, but I know that she believes it is real...and that is so inspiring.

Last Monday (the day before my birthday) we had another vistor in the form of a criminal who broke into our house and stole a bunch of stuff...including my digital camera that still had Annie's 1st day of Kindergarten pictures on it (that'll teach me to procrastinate....). It was pretty disturbing, we don't have much crime in the neighborhood and everyone of our immediate neighbors is retired.....but I decided not to give into the fear and give those assholes the power to make me scared. Mike, of course, was hoping they would come back so he could show them exactly what he thought. It did get me thinking though--I remember being younger and meeting people who had bad event after bad event in their life and thinking that somehow, it must be partially of their doing or related to who they are as a person some how...but now I know that shit just happens and you get what you get.....On the bright side, said criminal is in jail, we will get some stuff back, but not the camera or the sapphire necklace from Mike, which apparently, according to the perp, not worth keeping so he tossed it somewhere along with a bunch of my neighbors jewelery---now, I think it is only fair to ask, if it wasn't worth keeping, why the flying *^(&$@ take it in the first place????? The cop told me this kid, who is only 19, will be a criminal for the rest of his life.....

On occasion I feel like the world is punishing me for having been so happy and it won't let up until I give up and become miserable...which I won't do, so it just keeps getting worse. But then I pull myself up out of hole and remember all the wonderful things I have in life---all you guys, my friends, my family, my kids...and I don't let it get me down (maybe I let it get me down, but I don't let it keep me there)

The 3rd suprise visit came in the form of an email from my very best friend from high schook, Jill Travers (Sunde) found me yesterday . We have been out of touch for years. I am looking forward to reconnecting and now have one more thing to be thankful for.

Much better

So I thought I had better post once in a while when I am feeling good so I am not always breaking your hearts. Mike and Rachel moved our futon and a lamp into Sophie's room for me so I would have a peaceful place to read, compute, whatever. I am spending all my free time (ok, it isn't all that much) in there...and the rest of the family is gravitating in there too (so much for the peace--but I love it). Before Sophie died I would have been creeped out totally to be in a room, or even a house where someone had died...I remember living in this house in high school that used to belong to an old lady and I really was wondering all the time if she died there...but now I realize that death isn't scary, just sad. Sophie wasn't bad or evil, so if she was a ghost she would be a damn cute one....I just feel close to her in there, but not sad...I don't know how to explain it but it has given me a lot of peace. I have her stuffies in there and have been sleeping with her blankie...

Also, in general, I am much better...I was telling my Mom that I am not sure whether something is wrong with me, or if it is just that is has been so long since I felt normal that it feels strange to me now. I still get sad sometimes, and angry, but in general I feel more positive, more motivated, more energetic. I'm sure there will be days, many tough days ahead, but I feel hopeful for the future...thanks for being so amazing, all of you.....

A sad, sad day....

Yesterday was the 16 month since Sophie died date--it also marked the day that she has been gone longer than she was with us...I hadn't been thinking about it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks right during a meeting with the executive staff.....It is almost like time passing is worse...because I get farther and farther away from my memories of Sophie. I'm going to leave early, not just to avoid the Barakorama going on here, but I need to go spend some time at the cemetary.

I haven't blogged in a long time--I haven't done anything. I don't talk to or see my friends very much anymore, I feel like nothing matters except my family, I am in such a rut--not extremely sad all the time, but just not happy and also incredibly anxious. I've tried meditation and medication, I just don't think there is any cure for the black cloud...there is nothing that can make me feel better...

We started talking about adoption, but it got too painful so we took a break....just want Sophie back...soooo bad...

A merry little weekend

We spent the weekend with my brother-in-law and my two neices--(and Tina is home too--yeah!) Saona just turned one is she is so adorable--incredibly mischevious like her cousin Sophia. Today at lunch Mike called her Sophie--it caught us all off guard, but Thom (Mike's bro) said he does it all the time. I almost lost it but pulled it back together. It was really amazing to have a little toddler around for the weekend.....

Heavy heart..heavy sigh

Well today I feel like a big rain cloud....swollen with tears but I can't get them out. One of the woman in my yahoo child loss group gave me that analogy....it is a good one. I feel happy and sad, blessed and cursed, inspired and hopeless all at the same time...I know this won't make sense to most people but it is true....I am blessed with Annie and Mike, Rachel, my family and friends, a good job, countless other things, but I am cursed also by many things, but mostly the loss of Sophie...so no day in my life will ever be a perfect day again...I will have good days, fabulous days, but there will always be a little rain on every parade for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I have moved forward so much in the past year, but this may be as far as it goes.

Now that we are all good and depressed (and I am FINALLY crying...) I wanted to share this poem. It is written by a woman named Renee Williams who lost her two sons 3 years apart both at age 20. Their names were Sam (who would now be 30) and Brandon (who would now be 27) Anyway this is what she had to say about this poem she wrote:

I wrote this poem, and I know this will sound crazy but the words were not mine. These words "came" to me, were "insisted" on me while I was driving in my car on my way to church sunday. I was writing as I was driving, I almost had to stop on the side of the road. Nothing like that has ever happened to me. The only thing that might have been mine was the word "mama". I think the word I was supposed to write was "mommy". Somebody's child wanted to get a message through to their mommy. I don't who or I don't understand but I had to write it and it had to be posted. Pretty weird,

So anyway here is Renee's Poem:

It Matters To MeThe dishes pile up

you know it don't matter

The house is a mess, everything is scattered

I don't care about that, just leave me alone

Let the doorbell ring, don't answer the phone

Let me drown my sorrow in just one more drink

It numbs the pain, I don't want to think

Mama, I don't care about dishes or the shape the house is in

It's you that I care for, I know where you've been

It killed you to lose me, mama, I was gone so quick

But mama I'm free now, I can never be sick

I play with the angels and watch over youMama

make me proud of the things that you do

Your tears can fill rivers they fall like rain

But mama please listen and let me heal your pain

You used to pray to the lord my soul to keep

You did it each night before I went to sleep

It worked mama, it worked like a charm

I am in heaven mama, in loving arms

I know your arms are empty but you have much love to give

It's hard for you, mama, but your life you must live

Put the bottle away and look to the sky

That cloud is for you, the white one up high

Do you remember the rainbow I showed you this spring

Or the bird in the treetop with joy he did sing

My gifts for you mama since you gave me so much

I do miss you mama, I miss your sweet touch

But I am with you mama every where that you go

But you must listen to see me this much

I knowYour sorrow is deep like a canyon of clay

But don't slide to the bottom, just make it today

You won't see me mama in the bottom of a glass

Or in the pills that they gave you, they simply don't last

I am here, mama, in the wind that blows on your face

I am song you hear, mama, in our special place

Mama I am here but please listen to me

Your heart holds me tight and there I will always be

But i send you signs too, mama, but your head must be clear

It's my way to show you mama, that i am always near.

I think it was a little boy's voice but I am not sure...it is simple poetry, but beautifully written and I think most anyone who has lost a little one can relate, you know? Even those of us who haven't gotten lost in a bottle of booze or a bottle of pills...most all of us have considered it..and we are just as lost and unfocused as if we were.....living every day, trying to make the best of it...it is so hard......

A little gift

For years Mike and I have had a collection of undeveloped rolls of film and disposable cameras that we have accumulated in a drawer....I always say I am going to take them and mail them to Seattle Film Works...but out of sight out of mind....the other day I took them to Costco to get developed--there were 10---some of them predated Mike and I. There was a whole roll of my niece playing soccer when she was about 8...she is 16 now!!! Well all in all there were about 10 pictures of Sophia that I had never seen before. I was so surprised because we had a digital camera since before she was born. Some of the pics were even recent (you know what I mean) What a bittersweet surprise...there is one of me holding her....it isn't the best picture but I cherish it because I was the one always taking the picture--you know?

I am having anxiety about going to Florida on Saturday. I don't want to be away from home. I haven't been able to figure it out, but I think I have now...we have been so crazy busy both socially and at work that I have really been tamping down my emotions. At night when I think I can spend some time with my sadness I just haven't had the energy. Now I am going to have 4 long nights by myself and I am afraid the floodgates will open. As Mike pointed out this is not a bad thing, I probably need it, but I am going to be all alone, so that makes me sad. On the other hand, I'm going to be at the ocean..so long solitary walks on the beach, watching sunrise, reading and writing to Sophia...it might be just what the doctor ordered.

I have found a new yahoo group full of amazing people who are helping me see that we all struggle being a member of the club no one wants to be in...that we have tough times where we are at the botton of a dark, dark, place...and that we pull through. One amazing Mom on there is my age, she lost her 4 week old son to SIDS 19 years ago and has never talked about it. She has other kids but her heart is still so broken. I thank everyone who reads this (thanks for the comment annabelle) and who still calls me, hold me when I cry, cries with me, loves me and understands that I am not "better" Without you I am nothing.....I love you all so much