A little gift

For years Mike and I have had a collection of undeveloped rolls of film and disposable cameras that we have accumulated in a drawer....I always say I am going to take them and mail them to Seattle Film Works...but out of sight out of mind....the other day I took them to Costco to get developed--there were 10---some of them predated Mike and I. There was a whole roll of my niece playing soccer when she was about 8...she is 16 now!!! Well all in all there were about 10 pictures of Sophia that I had never seen before. I was so surprised because we had a digital camera since before she was born. Some of the pics were even recent (you know what I mean) What a bittersweet surprise...there is one of me holding her....it isn't the best picture but I cherish it because I was the one always taking the picture--you know?

I am having anxiety about going to Florida on Saturday. I don't want to be away from home. I haven't been able to figure it out, but I think I have now...we have been so crazy busy both socially and at work that I have really been tamping down my emotions. At night when I think I can spend some time with my sadness I just haven't had the energy. Now I am going to have 4 long nights by myself and I am afraid the floodgates will open. As Mike pointed out this is not a bad thing, I probably need it, but I am going to be all alone, so that makes me sad. On the other hand, I'm going to be at the ocean..so long solitary walks on the beach, watching sunrise, reading and writing to Sophia...it might be just what the doctor ordered.

I have found a new yahoo group full of amazing people who are helping me see that we all struggle being a member of the club no one wants to be in...that we have tough times where we are at the botton of a dark, dark, place...and that we pull through. One amazing Mom on there is my age, she lost her 4 week old son to SIDS 19 years ago and has never talked about it. She has other kids but her heart is still so broken. I thank everyone who reads this (thanks for the comment annabelle) and who still calls me, hold me when I cry, cries with me, loves me and understands that I am not "better" Without you I am nothing.....I love you all so much