Much better

So I thought I had better post once in a while when I am feeling good so I am not always breaking your hearts. Mike and Rachel moved our futon and a lamp into Sophie's room for me so I would have a peaceful place to read, compute, whatever. I am spending all my free time (ok, it isn't all that much) in there...and the rest of the family is gravitating in there too (so much for the peace--but I love it). Before Sophie died I would have been creeped out totally to be in a room, or even a house where someone had died...I remember living in this house in high school that used to belong to an old lady and I really was wondering all the time if she died there...but now I realize that death isn't scary, just sad. Sophie wasn't bad or evil, so if she was a ghost she would be a damn cute one....I just feel close to her in there, but not sad...I don't know how to explain it but it has given me a lot of peace. I have her stuffies in there and have been sleeping with her blankie...

Also, in general, I am much better...I was telling my Mom that I am not sure whether something is wrong with me, or if it is just that is has been so long since I felt normal that it feels strange to me now. I still get sad sometimes, and angry, but in general I feel more positive, more motivated, more energetic. I'm sure there will be days, many tough days ahead, but I feel hopeful for the future...thanks for being so amazing, all of you.....

I'm Alright...Nobody Worry About Me

(perhaps a little Kenny Loggins running through your brain). For all my lovely friends who take the time to read my blog, thank you, thank you, thank you...I really do it to get the feelings out, but it does help so much to know that you care.

In particular Roseanne and Cathi always follow up to make sure I am doing o.k., so I just wanted to take a second and let you know that most of the time I really am doing o.k., once in a while even good, and on the odd occasion fantastic. I tend to be motivated to post here when I am having a particularly bad moment (which still does happen, and will probably be accelerating over the holidays). But we are enjoying Annie so much (and Rachel too now that the pain and suffering of finals is over) and I am actually kind of sort of looking forward to Christmas (Happiness with a small side order of dread). Heck, I might even start shopping this week!!!!

There are still some really difficult times, and writing them here allows me a chance to "talk about it" because it has been almost 8 months, so there is some expectation that we be better and people who love us don't want us to be sad, so they can get really uncomfortable if we are...in a way this happened to all of us--that was really the message we got when Sophie died, our friends, our sisters and brothers, our kids, our nieces and nephews, coworkers, etc...this is the unthinkable, unspeakable thing and it sent shockwaves through all our lives. But everyone else didn't have Sophie in their daily lives, and so have been able to move on ---which is good---no it is great, and it is the way it should be. Mike and I, Annie and Rachel, we will change, and things will get different, but we will never "move on" We will live full lives and seek to honor Sophie's memory by remembering that life is too short for "someday" But for as long as I need to or want to, I'll be writing here when things are tough.

I thought it was worth saying that I am doing pretty good and that I value and appreciate every friend, family member, and even stranger who has supported us.

Happy Holidays!

Snowy days and Turkeys always make me cry?

Wow---I wouldn't have thought that Thanksgiving was going to be hard for me, but I was sad the whole week. The day itself was good, lots of family and friends, a wonderful bird, if I do say so myself (alas the much anticipated Turducken never showed...perhaps a light fingered Fex-Ex employee had a wonderful dinner on us....Regardless it was a lovely day. The only crying I did was on a walk I took earlier in the day before our guests arrived...just general missing Sophie sadness....

So much has been going on, I have been wanting to post but just haven't felt the inspiration. Anne Marie had an echocardiogram and a full spinal X-ray last week, just to make sure that she doesn't have any of the other symptoms of Heterotaxy, which the genetics doc seems to think is what is going on with both girls..a mild expression of those genes. I am thankful we are not planning on having any more children, I can't imagine how stressful that pregnancy would be. The doctor thought a 1 in 4 chance of the same thing or worse happening again...yikes. I am hoping Sophie's case will make it into the big Heterotaxy study at Baylor, but I am not hopeful...both kids have "mild" expressions. So little is known about these conditions. I have read that Heterotaxy may account for up to 1% of all newborn deaths...that could be up to 40,000 babies per year in the US alone. I know there is so much competition for research dollars...but this seems huge. I sure hope Annie can get some answers before she had kids (if she has kids). I must get going on the asplenia screen. I would LOVE to hear from other parents whose kids have asplenia but none of the other common symptons...how many are there?

I guess in the end I am thankful that both girls haven't experienced major illness (OK you don't get much sicker than Sophie did...but I mean prolonged) I am thankful that I had Sophie to hold for almost 16 months (plus the 10 months I carried her)...and I am thankful that I have Annie and Mike to love and to hold and to get me through all of this.....Rachel too, it's just that she is being so "teenager" right now (I hear you snickering Mom!)