The kids are alright

Now that Mike and I are feeling a little better the girls are starting to have some trouble coping, we wonder if maybe they can sense us lightening up a little on some level and now feel like they can let go...Rachel broke down and confessed to feeling pretty blue about everything...I won't say much about it here because she is a teenager and I want to respect her privacy. Anne Marie has been pretty sad and wanting to talk about Sophia a lot. She asked me the other day why there was tape on Sophie's mouth at the hospital when she died. I don't remember her ever mentioning it before so I can't help but wonder if this question has been floating around in her little head for 3 1/2 months....it was a trach tube and it really bothered me, although my memories of the hospital are foggy enough that I can't remember whether she was with me or not when I asked the nurse to take it out (she wouldn't). Annie told me that she didn't kiss Sophie at the hospital because her lips were purple and that she was sad she didn't kiss her. I told her she kissed her so much when she was alive and that was what really mattered. Annie is also worried that Sophia is all alone, it really seems to bother her. I tried to tell her that Sophie has lots of playmates in heaven but she wasn't buying it (She can't move, Mom). It is so hard not to be able to take the girls pain away...not to have the answers to their questions. One of my biggest regrets about this whole thing is that Annie had to witness it all. She was with me when we went to get Sophie out of bed, must have been totally bewildered by my screaming for Mike, his giving Sophie CPR while I was on the phone with 9-1-1, the police and paramedics coming and taking her away. I am so grateful that Rachel wasn't here, but I wonder if she might feel bad that she wasn't...I hope in time the trauma will fade for both of them and they will be left with happy memories of their baby sister (who as Annie points out was a "very, very, very, very, very, very very, very, silly baby)

On the Anne Marie health front, we are working with her doctor to get another blood test to make sure her vaccines have done their job, that will be good information as there seems to be a great deal of controversy over what an elevated pit count (above normal but not in the dangerous zone) means. Hopefully that will come back with good news and we can worry a little less...I hope that I am not paranoid about losing one of the other kids for the rest of my life...We also have a medical geneticist on our to-do list. And I got a response from the Department of Public Health, which I will share here soon.

Mike and I are doing pretty good, I'm fighting a sinus infection and fever, yuk....but we are getting stronger every day, just miss our little angel more than you can imagine....