Or rather I have been crying myself a river these past two days. I don't know what is going on, but I really haven't been able to get a grip. As a result, Mike and Annie went to his brothers without me yesterday. I think the quiet time has been good and I am feeling somewhat better today. A big problem for me is that I'm not sure exactly what is making me so sad. Could be the holidays, but T-day was actually fun. There is some other stuff going on with friends that is stressful, so maybe that is contributing, but I am starting to feel bewildered again (Did this really happen? How did this happen? Why did this happen? Have I learned ANYTHING from this experience) I have also been angry the past few days....and damn do I miss our little Sophia Noel. You know, that night, that terrible, awful, haunting night, when we put her to bed for the last time, because that is what the doctor told us to do. She didn't look right, her color wasn't good, she was floppy--why the &(*#$@ didn't I know she was slipping away, why didn't my instinct tell me she needed help right then. I mean for fuck sake, how is your child 15-30 minutes away from their last breath and you have no earthly idea. I would give ANYTHING to have that night back again, to do something different. The docs we talked to after said it would have been too late at that point anyway, but how do we really know, do they just say that to try to allieviate some of our guilt, some of theirs.
I've got to get it together, I know.....Annie and Mike deserve better. I'm in a strange place, a bit of a "poor me" place and I really am feeling like no one can quite understand what I am going through (except, of course, Mike, who is wonderful and amazing, and much better than I at holding everything together). I do know I have so much to be thankful for in this life, it's out there on the periphery....Annie, Mike, Rachel, amazingly loving and supportive family and friends, a nice house, our health, etc.....but all of that doesn't replace the gaping hole where Sophie belongs, does it? I can't dwell in the past, can't stop living just because Sophia died, but how do I stop being so sad..........Mike and Annie come home in about 6 hours, I hope I can figure it out by then!!!!
1 comment:
Please don't blame yourself. I know that I don't "know" you, but from everything that I have read, I don't feel that there was anything that you could have "known" to prevent Sophies death. How could you have known what would happen that night? Just thinking of you today, and I hope that you are feeling better. :)
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