Waiting for Marble

So here it is almost 1 am and I can't sleep. I haven't written in forever, that is usually a good sign...things have been busy but going well for me. Annie is going through another period, crying for missing Sophie every single day. Sometimes I wonder if she is just so conditioned to miss Sophie everytime she gets sad--I know that happens to me sometimes, I get sad or mad about something, anything, and the next thing you know I am thinking about Soph. I don't know what to do for her. The grief people told us that every stage of maturity would be hard for Annie as she understood new things about death. She seems to be feeling really cheated--today she yelled at me for not having a new baby....arrggghhh.
Anyway, as it is getting closer to spring I am hoping that the owl (marble) might come back....I really felt that was some sort of sign.
Sorry for the boring post--figured I'd better write something...

Happy Birthday Little Angel

Dear Sophie:
Yesterday would have been your 3rd birthday. It is so hard for me to imagine what you might have looked like so grown up. Everyone said you looked like Suri Cruise when you were a baby and when I see pictures of her now, I wonder.....I'm sure you would be much cuter since Daddy and I are so much better looking than Tom and Katie!!! I do know that you would be so big..talking in full sentences, sleeping in a big girl bed, potty trained, playing with little friends....I really wish I could see you today.
Daddy, Rachel, Annie and I celebrated your birthday on Sunday at the cemetary with cupcakes and balloons...did you catch the balloons like Daddy hoped you would?
Time goes by sweet darling, and I still miss you every single day. Sometimes I worry that I am not sad enough anymore...I have to believe that you would want us to be happy, to celebrate you and honor your life by living ours to the fullest. We are trying.
I hope that you continue to visit Annie, and while you're at it creep across the hall and snuggle with Mom and Dad. I'd give anything to hold you again.
Happy Birthday tiny boo
Love,
Mommy

To EMC

I know what you are going through right now, your grief is so fresh, it must seems sureal. Please email me when you feel like talking...it is gkate1@comcast.net

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, you must be so stunned. I am thinking of you and your family today, please let me know if I can help.
Grace

And the Merry Bells Keep Ringing (Mostly)

We are still doing really well...I was remembering last year forcing ourselves to put up a tree and do the shopping, this year we have a beautiful tree, put up several weeks ago, the whole house is decorated and we are really happy...mostly--there are still moments--like hanging Sophie's baby's 1st Christmas 2005 ornament on the tree...of course she wasn't born until January 2006, but my plan was to have her here by Christmas!!! It is so much better though and despite little moments of pain I am really enjoying this holiday season (as my credit card bills will surely show in January!)
If there is one gift I could give this year it would be to let other parents out there who are suffering through their first holiday without their precious children know that it does get better. It takes work, it is still painful, but you will enjoy your life again. The biggest challegne to getting there for me has been accepting that I don't have to feel guilty about feeling happy. Moving on does not mean forgetting, Sophie will always be a part of our life, not just for Mike, me and the girls, but for everyone who knew her, or supported us. You never know when you might just be having the best day cruising on the highway singing Feliz Navidad at the top of your lungs and the next thing you know you think of your child and you burst into tears...but these moments occur less often now and we take time every single day to realize the amazing life we have. People wonder if I have a hard time around babies, I don't--I love them. I held my friend Mary's baby for a long time Saturday night (5 weeks) and she was so warm and soft and sweet, but it didn't make me pine for Sophie, it made me so happy for Mary and Mike that they have his amazing little being to hold, to watch grow, to keep them up all night!!!! No, my pining for Sophie is truly centered around me, our house, our memories......
Thanks again for loving us......

Sophie's Horn

Annie told us the other day that Sophie had gotten her horn (we were confused thinking she did something bad and got a devil's horn) Turns out that she has been so good in heaven that she got a horn to blow at the gate to call in other babies that have died. Amazing.....apparently she has welcomed 1o other babies into heaven.

I am thankful

As I sit here this Thanksgiving Day reading my post from last Thanksgiving, I am so thankful that I have come so far in the past year. I am thankful that I feel thankful for anything, because I think a year ago I did not. Also I am thankful for the stable jobs Mike and I have and also for our wonderful children. For my Mom and Dad and their continued good health, my sister, who is one of the most amazing women I know...and all the usual, home food, family and friends....but really I am the most thankful for the amazing love and support that we have received in the past 19 months and still continue to receive....I am thankful for my parents and my sister, who think it is fine for me to still have hard days and still listen when I cry, for Annie, who keeps us posted on the visits Sophie is making to her, for Rachel who is always ready with a hug and for Mike, who is beyond amazing and understands me better than I understand myself.
I am thankful for everyone who helped us survive those first terrible days...for Nancy and Todd for dropping everything and coming to the hospital, for being there for us during the worst moment of our life, Renee too and to Thom and Jodi for rushing down here despite Jodi being 8 months pregnant. For Mike's Mom, Dad and Val, and my parents who somehow miraculously all appeared that very day. For Cathi, Kathy, Kathy, Lur, Ellen, and Kristin and Kirstenwho were here immediately and often during the days after. For Renee without whom Sophie probably would not have had a funeral yet. For all the amazing people I work with who supported us with food, visits, phone calls and understanding and who still continue to support us with love and caring until this day. Thankful for Mike's friend Mik who was hear for him and for Link and Kirk who flew in just for the funeral...my friend Kim who came all the way from Texas for the day...to everyone who came to the funeral or the house afterward...to Rachel's friends and their parents who made sure they were there for her.....For Nancy who organized at least of month of drive by feedings and to everyone who drove by and fed us.... I am thankful for Dr. Shah, who is the most compassionate, kind, and caring physician that I have ever known. I am so grateful for my college buds--Erin and Jen who came the week Mike went back to work so I wouldn't be alone, and Karen and Roseanne who came later when Mike went away for the weekend---they continue to love and care for me and I couldn't survive without them. I know I have missed a million people, but anyone who has listened to me (Gretchen, Tina, Mary, Antoinette, Tatum, Isa, Gregg, and my boss, David LaFrance. Oh and Maureen--my am therapist) Without all of this support I would not be here today being thankful.

Today I am thankful that Mike, the girls and I are together, I am thankful that Jen is finally pregnant (shhhh..don't tell), that Roseanne is home from the hospital, that Maya Manning was born early but healthy and is home enjoying her first Thanksgiving with Mom and Dad. I am thankful that I live in America and that the economy has not devestated my family, that Charlie got found in the Dallas airport. I am thankful for the wonderful supportive friends in my grief group
(although not thankful that such a group even exists or that we have to be in it). Thanks to Anabella who continues to read my blog even though we have never met and to Perry, whose daughter also has Asplenia.I am thankful that my friends kids are happy and healthy and that we live in beautiful Colorado. I am thankful that through the efforts of my high school BFF Jill, I have reconnected with her and some other high school friends as well....
I have so much good in my life, it didn't take Sophie's death to make me realize it, but you all really shined during this tragedy--we must be really good judges of character!!! If I forgot to be thankful for you, please don't take it personally---I am just running out of steam. Mostly I am thankful that I can feel joy at a holiday, I didn't know if I ever would again!!!

Happy Halloween

Another Halloween gone by---much, much better this year. I didn't get sad at the daycare party or trick or treat street. Tonight when I was taking Annie around begging for candy I even dressed up (vampire)...it was fun. I did feel a little nostalgic when I saw families going around---you know all the sibling groups--Annie was great though (Evil Princess). I think next year I'll make sure we group up with friends to go......I was thinking it is probably a good thing we decided on cremation--I'm not sure I could stand all the skeleton and rotting corpse decorations otherwise.

I hope to get to the cemetary tomorrow--I like the idea of Dia de los Muertos the Mexican holiday where they celebrate the life of loved ones who have died. I am going to see if I can find a sugar skull at a mexican grocery...you are also supposed to bring the foods the person loved as a gift. I'm not sure it is allowed--leaving food at the cemetary...but really, what are they going to do--kick us out?