To EMC

I know what you are going through right now, your grief is so fresh, it must seems sureal. Please email me when you feel like talking...it is gkate1@comcast.net

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, you must be so stunned. I am thinking of you and your family today, please let me know if I can help.
Grace

And the Merry Bells Keep Ringing (Mostly)

We are still doing really well...I was remembering last year forcing ourselves to put up a tree and do the shopping, this year we have a beautiful tree, put up several weeks ago, the whole house is decorated and we are really happy...mostly--there are still moments--like hanging Sophie's baby's 1st Christmas 2005 ornament on the tree...of course she wasn't born until January 2006, but my plan was to have her here by Christmas!!! It is so much better though and despite little moments of pain I am really enjoying this holiday season (as my credit card bills will surely show in January!)
If there is one gift I could give this year it would be to let other parents out there who are suffering through their first holiday without their precious children know that it does get better. It takes work, it is still painful, but you will enjoy your life again. The biggest challegne to getting there for me has been accepting that I don't have to feel guilty about feeling happy. Moving on does not mean forgetting, Sophie will always be a part of our life, not just for Mike, me and the girls, but for everyone who knew her, or supported us. You never know when you might just be having the best day cruising on the highway singing Feliz Navidad at the top of your lungs and the next thing you know you think of your child and you burst into tears...but these moments occur less often now and we take time every single day to realize the amazing life we have. People wonder if I have a hard time around babies, I don't--I love them. I held my friend Mary's baby for a long time Saturday night (5 weeks) and she was so warm and soft and sweet, but it didn't make me pine for Sophie, it made me so happy for Mary and Mike that they have his amazing little being to hold, to watch grow, to keep them up all night!!!! No, my pining for Sophie is truly centered around me, our house, our memories......
Thanks again for loving us......

Sophie's Horn

Annie told us the other day that Sophie had gotten her horn (we were confused thinking she did something bad and got a devil's horn) Turns out that she has been so good in heaven that she got a horn to blow at the gate to call in other babies that have died. Amazing.....apparently she has welcomed 1o other babies into heaven.

I am thankful

As I sit here this Thanksgiving Day reading my post from last Thanksgiving, I am so thankful that I have come so far in the past year. I am thankful that I feel thankful for anything, because I think a year ago I did not. Also I am thankful for the stable jobs Mike and I have and also for our wonderful children. For my Mom and Dad and their continued good health, my sister, who is one of the most amazing women I know...and all the usual, home food, family and friends....but really I am the most thankful for the amazing love and support that we have received in the past 19 months and still continue to receive....I am thankful for my parents and my sister, who think it is fine for me to still have hard days and still listen when I cry, for Annie, who keeps us posted on the visits Sophie is making to her, for Rachel who is always ready with a hug and for Mike, who is beyond amazing and understands me better than I understand myself.
I am thankful for everyone who helped us survive those first terrible days...for Nancy and Todd for dropping everything and coming to the hospital, for being there for us during the worst moment of our life, Renee too and to Thom and Jodi for rushing down here despite Jodi being 8 months pregnant. For Mike's Mom, Dad and Val, and my parents who somehow miraculously all appeared that very day. For Cathi, Kathy, Kathy, Lur, Ellen, and Kristin and Kirstenwho were here immediately and often during the days after. For Renee without whom Sophie probably would not have had a funeral yet. For all the amazing people I work with who supported us with food, visits, phone calls and understanding and who still continue to support us with love and caring until this day. Thankful for Mike's friend Mik who was hear for him and for Link and Kirk who flew in just for the funeral...my friend Kim who came all the way from Texas for the day...to everyone who came to the funeral or the house afterward...to Rachel's friends and their parents who made sure they were there for her.....For Nancy who organized at least of month of drive by feedings and to everyone who drove by and fed us.... I am thankful for Dr. Shah, who is the most compassionate, kind, and caring physician that I have ever known. I am so grateful for my college buds--Erin and Jen who came the week Mike went back to work so I wouldn't be alone, and Karen and Roseanne who came later when Mike went away for the weekend---they continue to love and care for me and I couldn't survive without them. I know I have missed a million people, but anyone who has listened to me (Gretchen, Tina, Mary, Antoinette, Tatum, Isa, Gregg, and my boss, David LaFrance. Oh and Maureen--my am therapist) Without all of this support I would not be here today being thankful.

Today I am thankful that Mike, the girls and I are together, I am thankful that Jen is finally pregnant (shhhh..don't tell), that Roseanne is home from the hospital, that Maya Manning was born early but healthy and is home enjoying her first Thanksgiving with Mom and Dad. I am thankful that I live in America and that the economy has not devestated my family, that Charlie got found in the Dallas airport. I am thankful for the wonderful supportive friends in my grief group
(although not thankful that such a group even exists or that we have to be in it). Thanks to Anabella who continues to read my blog even though we have never met and to Perry, whose daughter also has Asplenia.I am thankful that my friends kids are happy and healthy and that we live in beautiful Colorado. I am thankful that through the efforts of my high school BFF Jill, I have reconnected with her and some other high school friends as well....
I have so much good in my life, it didn't take Sophie's death to make me realize it, but you all really shined during this tragedy--we must be really good judges of character!!! If I forgot to be thankful for you, please don't take it personally---I am just running out of steam. Mostly I am thankful that I can feel joy at a holiday, I didn't know if I ever would again!!!

Happy Halloween

Another Halloween gone by---much, much better this year. I didn't get sad at the daycare party or trick or treat street. Tonight when I was taking Annie around begging for candy I even dressed up (vampire)...it was fun. I did feel a little nostalgic when I saw families going around---you know all the sibling groups--Annie was great though (Evil Princess). I think next year I'll make sure we group up with friends to go......I was thinking it is probably a good thing we decided on cremation--I'm not sure I could stand all the skeleton and rotting corpse decorations otherwise.

I hope to get to the cemetary tomorrow--I like the idea of Dia de los Muertos the Mexican holiday where they celebrate the life of loved ones who have died. I am going to see if I can find a sugar skull at a mexican grocery...you are also supposed to bring the foods the person loved as a gift. I'm not sure it is allowed--leaving food at the cemetary...but really, what are they going to do--kick us out?

Suprise visits

This is such a cool story---the other morning, Sunday, Annie crawled into bed with us and told us that she had seen Sophie the previous night. I said "You dreamt about her?" and she said, nope, she saw her...which of course begged the question, "Where?" Annie says "In my bed, she was snuggled up next to me, then I said "night night" and she said "night night" and she flew away" Apparently her wings are gray and white. The next morning--same thing..."Sophie visited me again, she stayed longer this time, but then she said she needed to go help some other kids" I don't know if it is a dream or her imagination or for real, but I know that she believes it is real...and that is so inspiring.

Last Monday (the day before my birthday) we had another vistor in the form of a criminal who broke into our house and stole a bunch of stuff...including my digital camera that still had Annie's 1st day of Kindergarten pictures on it (that'll teach me to procrastinate....). It was pretty disturbing, we don't have much crime in the neighborhood and everyone of our immediate neighbors is retired.....but I decided not to give into the fear and give those assholes the power to make me scared. Mike, of course, was hoping they would come back so he could show them exactly what he thought. It did get me thinking though--I remember being younger and meeting people who had bad event after bad event in their life and thinking that somehow, it must be partially of their doing or related to who they are as a person some how...but now I know that shit just happens and you get what you get.....On the bright side, said criminal is in jail, we will get some stuff back, but not the camera or the sapphire necklace from Mike, which apparently, according to the perp, not worth keeping so he tossed it somewhere along with a bunch of my neighbors jewelery---now, I think it is only fair to ask, if it wasn't worth keeping, why the flying *^(&$@ take it in the first place????? The cop told me this kid, who is only 19, will be a criminal for the rest of his life.....

On occasion I feel like the world is punishing me for having been so happy and it won't let up until I give up and become miserable...which I won't do, so it just keeps getting worse. But then I pull myself up out of hole and remember all the wonderful things I have in life---all you guys, my friends, my family, my kids...and I don't let it get me down (maybe I let it get me down, but I don't let it keep me there)

The 3rd suprise visit came in the form of an email from my very best friend from high schook, Jill Travers (Sunde) found me yesterday . We have been out of touch for years. I am looking forward to reconnecting and now have one more thing to be thankful for.

Much better

So I thought I had better post once in a while when I am feeling good so I am not always breaking your hearts. Mike and Rachel moved our futon and a lamp into Sophie's room for me so I would have a peaceful place to read, compute, whatever. I am spending all my free time (ok, it isn't all that much) in there...and the rest of the family is gravitating in there too (so much for the peace--but I love it). Before Sophie died I would have been creeped out totally to be in a room, or even a house where someone had died...I remember living in this house in high school that used to belong to an old lady and I really was wondering all the time if she died there...but now I realize that death isn't scary, just sad. Sophie wasn't bad or evil, so if she was a ghost she would be a damn cute one....I just feel close to her in there, but not sad...I don't know how to explain it but it has given me a lot of peace. I have her stuffies in there and have been sleeping with her blankie...

Also, in general, I am much better...I was telling my Mom that I am not sure whether something is wrong with me, or if it is just that is has been so long since I felt normal that it feels strange to me now. I still get sad sometimes, and angry, but in general I feel more positive, more motivated, more energetic. I'm sure there will be days, many tough days ahead, but I feel hopeful for the future...thanks for being so amazing, all of you.....