Still Remember

Wow, it has been a long time....but I am still here and I have not forgotten my sweet little boo....still miss her every single day...cry a lot less, but still ache to hold her tight, rock her to sleep, watch her grow up. Sophie would be 4 years old now...so big! I love you angel sophsoph....

Flower Nazis--Really?

So we got notification from the cemetery that there are "new regulations" regarding flowers and decorations at Crown Hill. They are sending me a brochure regarding the details but they did tell me that you can only place flowers, in an approved vase, for special occasions such as birthdays and holidays. To do this you have to stop at the cememtery office and record the special occasion with them, then they will give you a pink tag which allows the flowers to remain for a week....really? Can the special occasion be that I miss my sweet little Sophie and was thinking about her and wanted to take some flowers? What if my parents are in town and want to go by the cemetery. Now I realize we can go there and not take anything, BUT it is a part of the process. There are families that have pinwheels, toys, stuffies, flowers, etc....it doesn't look tacky to me, it looks like families are grieving and honoring and remembering their loved ones...this is a cemetery, not a covenant controlled community. I think a lot of people might have made a different choice about where to inter their loved ones had they known that even placing flowers is limited. I used to go every Friday, it is important for me that her grave not be abandoned, that people who walk by there know she is loved and remembered...

Mike's theory is not to worry about it, to do what I want to do because what are they really going to do? I doubt they would evict Sophie...but even if they did, we'd just bring her ashes home. So that is what I am going to do. On Monday it will be two years since she died---I'm going to cover her headstone in flowers...ha!

Too Good to be True

So I had a bit of an ephiany today. In wondering why it has been so hard to do the things we need to do to move foward--get a new kitchen in the rental condo, exercise, set and keep goals--it occured to me that maybe subconsciously we don't want to move forward. Not for the obvious reason of leaving Sophia behind, but more because if life gets really good again something bad will happen. You know when Sophie was born, I had two healthy children, a great husband, house, job, Rachel.. I was dumbfounded because I never thought my life would be that good...i said as much to Mike all the time...like things were so good that I was worried something bad would have to happen to cancel it out. Of course I was thinking something more like me getting cancer or a tree falling through the roof. Anyway, I finally convinced myself that I was generally a good person and really deserved everything I had. Then Bam---it all was shattered. And that is why I think I am afraid to move forward....

Waiting for Marble

So here it is almost 1 am and I can't sleep. I haven't written in forever, that is usually a good sign...things have been busy but going well for me. Annie is going through another period, crying for missing Sophie every single day. Sometimes I wonder if she is just so conditioned to miss Sophie everytime she gets sad--I know that happens to me sometimes, I get sad or mad about something, anything, and the next thing you know I am thinking about Soph. I don't know what to do for her. The grief people told us that every stage of maturity would be hard for Annie as she understood new things about death. She seems to be feeling really cheated--today she yelled at me for not having a new baby....arrggghhh.
Anyway, as it is getting closer to spring I am hoping that the owl (marble) might come back....I really felt that was some sort of sign.
Sorry for the boring post--figured I'd better write something...

Happy Birthday Little Angel

Dear Sophie:
Yesterday would have been your 3rd birthday. It is so hard for me to imagine what you might have looked like so grown up. Everyone said you looked like Suri Cruise when you were a baby and when I see pictures of her now, I wonder.....I'm sure you would be much cuter since Daddy and I are so much better looking than Tom and Katie!!! I do know that you would be so big..talking in full sentences, sleeping in a big girl bed, potty trained, playing with little friends....I really wish I could see you today.
Daddy, Rachel, Annie and I celebrated your birthday on Sunday at the cemetary with cupcakes and balloons...did you catch the balloons like Daddy hoped you would?
Time goes by sweet darling, and I still miss you every single day. Sometimes I worry that I am not sad enough anymore...I have to believe that you would want us to be happy, to celebrate you and honor your life by living ours to the fullest. We are trying.
I hope that you continue to visit Annie, and while you're at it creep across the hall and snuggle with Mom and Dad. I'd give anything to hold you again.
Happy Birthday tiny boo
Love,
Mommy

To EMC

I know what you are going through right now, your grief is so fresh, it must seems sureal. Please email me when you feel like talking...it is gkate1@comcast.net

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, you must be so stunned. I am thinking of you and your family today, please let me know if I can help.
Grace

And the Merry Bells Keep Ringing (Mostly)

We are still doing really well...I was remembering last year forcing ourselves to put up a tree and do the shopping, this year we have a beautiful tree, put up several weeks ago, the whole house is decorated and we are really happy...mostly--there are still moments--like hanging Sophie's baby's 1st Christmas 2005 ornament on the tree...of course she wasn't born until January 2006, but my plan was to have her here by Christmas!!! It is so much better though and despite little moments of pain I am really enjoying this holiday season (as my credit card bills will surely show in January!)
If there is one gift I could give this year it would be to let other parents out there who are suffering through their first holiday without their precious children know that it does get better. It takes work, it is still painful, but you will enjoy your life again. The biggest challegne to getting there for me has been accepting that I don't have to feel guilty about feeling happy. Moving on does not mean forgetting, Sophie will always be a part of our life, not just for Mike, me and the girls, but for everyone who knew her, or supported us. You never know when you might just be having the best day cruising on the highway singing Feliz Navidad at the top of your lungs and the next thing you know you think of your child and you burst into tears...but these moments occur less often now and we take time every single day to realize the amazing life we have. People wonder if I have a hard time around babies, I don't--I love them. I held my friend Mary's baby for a long time Saturday night (5 weeks) and she was so warm and soft and sweet, but it didn't make me pine for Sophie, it made me so happy for Mary and Mike that they have his amazing little being to hold, to watch grow, to keep them up all night!!!! No, my pining for Sophie is truly centered around me, our house, our memories......
Thanks again for loving us......